New York Jets @ Denver Broncos (-1):
For the life of me, I can’t figure out why the Broncos are favored in this game. Sure, the home team gets a built in -3, but the Broncos are fucking horrible and the Jets look legit for the first time since Rex Ryan was caught jerking off to pictures of feet. As has been the case through their first 6 games, the Denver defense will keep things close, but ultimately won’t get the job done offensively with the NFL’s least likeable player at the helm. Another low scoring, boring game here. Sorry, Broncos country.
Jets 20, Broncos 17
Houston Texans @ Las Vegas Raiders (-7):
Has there ever been this much optimism around a 1-4 team? Not to mention a 1-4 Raiders team? Fool us once… Whatever. Coming off a bye, a matchup with the lowly Texans should be exactly what the Raiders need. Josh Jacobs should have a monster game, Carr should roll, Adams should eat, and the defense should hold up as the Texans lone weapon offensively is a rookie RB. And I say “should” because you just never fucking know with the Raiders. Hence, their shitty 1-4 record. Raiders get a win here, but won’t make it easy on us. Texans cover.
Texans 20, Raiders 26
Seattle Seahawks @ Los Angeles Chargers (-5.5):
After being the media darlings of the offseason, the current Chargers look anything but that. Sure they’re 4-2, but a couple lucky bounces against the Browns and Broncos have kept them on the right side of the w/l column. So in comes Seattle, who have been playing decent football considering they were the favorites to land the #1 overall pick as the NFL’s shittiest team of the season, and Geno fucking Smith of all people. I’m expecting a back and forth game with 2 of the NFL’s worst defenses through 6 weeks. In the end, Herbert will make the plays Geno Smith can’t, while getting his top WR back from a hysterectomy. Chargers win.
Seahawks 24, Chargers 31
Kansas City Chiefs (-1.5) @ Santa Clara 49ers:
Holy shit, the Niners just got CMC. I wouldn’t expect him to play much this week, but do think he’ll be active. Perfect timing as the bitch ass Chiefs and their band of Patty Mahomes dick sucking refs come to town. In what looks like the NFL game of the week, this one should not disappoint. Unless of course the refs hand another win to the Chiefs. Anyway, we’ll see how arguably the NFL’s best defense holds up against arguably the NFL’s best offense. Strength vs. strength. This one is a toss up, and will be determined by whether or not Jimmy Garrappolo can stay out of his own way and get the ball to his playmakers w/out fucking up. That’s a big ask, but I think he gets it done against a mediocre Chiefs defense. CMC gets some redzone work and finds the endzone not once, but twice in his debut. Niners get a big home win.
Chiefs 23, Niners 27
Well there you have it, folks. Week 7 is in the books.
Your friend in football,